


Freedom and other impossibilities

by Merile



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: (for now) - Freeform, M/M, and a lot of grey morality i guess, angels-being-unangelic, aziraphale has an ongoing existential crisis, if you have no free will how can you sin?, mentioned sex but nothing too graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:22:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21638044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merile/pseuds/Merile
Summary: Aziraphale has an existential crisis that lasts for 6000 years mostly because he thinks too much. This is the first 1000 years or so. Come here if you too like our angel thinking too much and not asking any questions at all.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Kudos: 11





	Freedom and other impossibilities

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I'm trying to do the advent calendar thing so let's post this thing here and see how it goes.

Of course he knows Crowley loves him. He's known for many years and knowing that has been one of the most painful feelings in his existence. 

Crowley is bright like a supernova, all colours of the stars shining right from him. He loves people and the world, and the stars; becomes brighter and brighter every time he looks up the sky. Nobody should be able to love like this, not angels, not people, and especially not demons. It's too deep. It's too passionate. 

The problem is: Aziraphale knows who he is and where he stands, and what's expected of him. He knows where his loyalty lies and what needs to be done. 

The problem is: Crowley shines brighter than any angel Aziraphale has ever known and it brings chaos into his mind, thoughts that are a betrayal in themselves. 

Solution: avoidance. 

Luckily enough the Earth is huge and wide, and they don't meet that often, which is probably good because meeting Crowley leaves a weird aftertaste on his tongue. There's no logic to it, no reason. The two of them have been created to obey the rules, to fulfil the plans. the demons revolted because they thought they would be better, because they looked at what they could be and, too, wanted a free will. Looking at the history at large, Aziraphale dares to think that free will has brought nothing but trouble. 

And so Aziraphale sees:

the sea flooding the Earth and the volcanoes erupting, and God destroying Her most beautiful creation for using what she has given to them, and God destroying Her most beautiful creation with the wrath that no entity should be capable of, with the wrath that they haven't seen since the rebellion and

("Even children?" Crowley asks "you can't just kill children") 

Aziraphale wonders. If humans were created in Her image, what are they capable of? If angels are not to know good from evil, if they are to obey the rules and demons to defy them - how should he know what is right? The manual for their existence seems incomplete. 

If God created good and evil it makes Her capable of both. Angels seem to forget that. 

People say that they need to believe: in God, angels and Heaven. Aziraphale already knows all of them to be true, feels himself real. He looks up at the Sky - a very human gesture - and wonders what the Plan actually is. God is loving and merciful, and hating and cruel. God lets them perform miracles and heal the sick, and feed the hungry. God sends the Plagues and lets the World burn, covered with fire and ashes. 

He finds himself asking: which ones are the side effects?

"What's the point?" he asks Gabriel when he still sees him for more than he is, before his faith falls. 

"Don't be an idiot, Aziraphale. We're waiting for the Judgement Day. We're waiting for the War." 

It's always the War, with the capital "W" - one to bring the end to the humanity and angels, and demons. One to show who really is better: the ones that God loves or the ones that She hates. Aziraphale fails to see the logic: if she wanted them dead, She could just kill them, erase them out of existence, make it so they never existed in the first place. If the world is a circle - was there an Aziraphale before him? If the world is not - why did She make him up if his only purpose was to not-be at some point? 

Fact: the Almighty knows how it will end.

Fact: the Almighty must be enjoying the spectacle. 

Fact: people invent theatre and stories, and Aziraphale finally starts to understand their place in the universe. so he goes and drinks because sin does not apply to angels, anyway. How is he supposed to know? 

Crowley is there, obviously, the biggest inconvenience in his life. Aziraphale kisses him at the back of a small, dusty restaurant at the outskirts of Rome. He gets even drunker on the bitterness of love mixed with Hellfire. 

If he could compare the taste to anything it would have been the sourness of the apple he never got to bite. At the back of his mind he wonders if kissing the Serpent is the same as trying the fruit of Knowledge. (He does not fall, not this time. The answer is probably no, then.) 

They don't say anything about it in the rules and if the God is All-knowing, she'd tell them at some point. She'd have known it would happen. 

"Angel, are you--?" Crowley mutters and his entire existence is sparkling with feelings, the light of his eyes visible even through the shades on his nose. 

"I'm sure" Aziraphale murmurs into his lips and wonders how much he cannot understand the love that fills Crowley's body. It's idiotic: if there was one thing he should know, it is love. And he does understand: the general concept, the arbitrary goodness that applies. But Crowley is hot under his fingers, brighter than the Sun and filled with deep redness of passion that feels foreign, so he sips every bit of him, sinks into the burning heat of the demon's lips. It almost hurts. He has never felt anything more astonishing. 

They lay together afterwards, naked on their back, white and black feathers whirling around them. They keep quiet, their breaths heavier than words. Aziraphale wonders if that's a sin - a sinful act of love, a merciful act of hatred. Ge almost wants to laugh. Instead, he looks at Crowley's pale face and wonders what kind of duality they're supposed to represent. 

"I asked Gabriel about Her once" he says and demon gives him a curious look. The words almost don't match the intimacy of the situation. Are they supposed to be ashamed? Aren't emotions reserved for humans, anyway? £I asked him what he thinks. I don't think he does; thank in general, I mean. Not like I wanted him too. But sometimes I think that She's almost too cruel, that maybe--" 

"Shut up" Crowley interrupts him, mid-sentence. "Shut up or you'll get yourself in trouble, Angel" he adds, softer. There's something in demon's eyes that Aziraphale cannot quite make out, cannot quite understand. 

This is the first time Crowley saves him. It is not the last time.

**Author's Note:**

> I should be writing for the bigbang. Please forgive me. 
> 
> Constructive criticism is adored. 
> 
> (you can also say hi to me on twitter or tumblr under merilerile. im sorry it's late ill post the link when i update it someday lol)


End file.
